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Apr 14, 2019 16:26:37

bird trainer

by @swizecteller | 367 words | 🐣 | 116💌

Swizec Teller

Current day streak: 0🐣
Total posts: 116💌
Total words: 32303 (129 pages 📄)

We sit in silence, suspended in that moment in between. Waiting. Not enough time to do stuff, too long to sit and wait.

Old hits play on the radio. We look at each other, unsure what to expect. Our lives are about to change. Maybe forever.

The bird trainer is coming.

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Here's what we learned from the esteemed bird trainer who trains birds to not be assholes. You can even take yours to an Bird Academy.

You can teach birds to not be assholes with use of many treats. Many.

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Our bird is a Good Boy. 

He's a little fatty and responds well to treats. Got used to bird lady super fast. Most of his antics are just for show and he isn't actually stressed around strangers.

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Because our bird is a fatty, bribery has worked well to make him stop attacking me. We must keep diverting his aggression that way.

Bird looking suspicious that I got too close to his girlfriend? DISTRACT WITH SEEDS!

(he thinks my girlfriend is his girlfriend)

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Sometimes birds just act out. Hormonal season or not, they get bored and come pester you for some fun.

Nothing more fun than making your human dance. HA HA LOOK I CAN MAKE THE BIG MONKEY DUCK WHAT AN IDIOT!

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We must discourage all nesting behavior.

Anything dark and closed off must become inaccessible. He opens drawers to make nests so that's gonna be heard.

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Those delighted little squeeee sounds he does in his nest?

Masturbating.

Masturbating like a teenage boy who just seen his first titty. Can't get enough of it. Intense masturbation sometimes leads to medical problems. 

Overused vents ?

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No more nests.

Also no more petting on his back, belly, or under his wings. He loves it just like a car or a dog would.

Unlike a cat or a dog, he thinks you're trying to have sex with him. ?

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We must also bring out volunteers who want to play with this little fucker. Guinea pigs willing to experiment, feed him many seeds, make him do tricks in his cage, and eventually become used to having strangers around.

Then maybe we can have friends over again without Kiwi trying to eat their faces.

Originally published at twitter.com

  • 1

    @swizecteller - let me know when you get him trained -- then I'll meet him. ;-) ( had no idea )

    Brian Ball avatar Brian Ball | Apr 16, 2019 00:03:58
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